Zipping mouth.

I'm feeling miserable. Like having butterflies in my stomach. My heart is like to burst out. I feel like crying. I feel like punching people's face. I feel like screaming to everyone if it is the only way for me to release this pain.

Blog is always a place for me to let go those feelings which I can never speak it out by my own mouth. I don't know where should I share my feelings. I won't disturb LOVE because I know he is also in the midst of extreme stress due to the job. I won't talk to my family because there might seen this thing as a normal ordinary thingy. Or maybe it is. Maybe I'm the one who complicate it.

In appearance, this is really not my problem. At all. But it will give subsequent effect to the person I loved the most. I hate that to be happened one day. This is me. I cannot just sit and see all bad things happened. I will always interfere as I thing that I have responsibility to talk, or maybe to advice as far as I can. I'm doing all of this with no reason. For me, everything I do must always be with reason and knowledge. With only that I can see the way of life clearly.

This is never be a problem for me if I am dealing with the person below my level or maybe same age with me. But, a problem arise when I am dealing with the person whose in the upper level than myself. I have to talk in good manner.

I won't be seen as a rude person. I want people to see me as a helper. I try to help. Helping is actually comes in various ways. By talking, listening, advising, anything can be. I face with one situation where me, myself as a normal person see this as a problem. If it is not a problem now, I believe this thing will create a problem one day in the future.

This situation involves a person who actually very close to my life. And that's why I couldn't talk to anyone. It is like spitting to the air where actually it will fall on my own face. So, I decide to keep it with me.

Having said that, I try to personally talk to this person. Within our conversation I swear to God that I didn't even use any harm words. I talked and advised in a good manner. I keep all my anger inside. I just let go all nicest words during the conversation. With the hope that I can try to solve the problem before it turn to be a big problem.

I know this person felt touch at heart before it is me to talk. Who am I to talk like that? Where is my level? I have no rights to talk. Maybe, these were the questions that appeared in this person's mind. Maybe. Who might knows?

Our conversation ended with no solutions. This person seem cannot take all my words. At last, I am the one who felt guilty. I felt like violation of level of life. So, I took it as my fault for not knowing my appropriate level. I apologized to this person. Yes, I did. I cross my fingers.

But today, I received a text messages. That person, the one whose I talked to before, was upset and said I was only pointing my fingers without knowing the truth story. That person said I am like crossing the line. I have no rights of talking what I have said before.

And because of this stupid person, I feel miserable now. Why am I the one who is guilty in this case? When actually this case or situation doesn't really implied myself.

I talk to myself. I will take it as my fault of over the limit by talking like that to the person who is in the upper level than me. Yes. I'll take it. But, I promise myself after this if anything ever happen to that person, I will only watch it from far. I will never step in that person's problem ever. Never. That is my promise.

p.s. Buat baik salah. Buat jahat lagi lar salah. It's okay. I'm zipping my mouth now.

Cut the ties.

"What is a friend? A single soul, dwelling in two bodies" - Aristotle

Today I would like to talk about FRIENDSHIP. I don't have any strong reason why I should talk about this since I have many good friends here and there. I can always make good friends wherever I might go. In fact i love to be friend with everyone. Friends are can be find in anywhere, at anytime. Friends always come and go. But true friendship seems really hard to be found. Once I found it, I always hope it will last forever. Unfortunately, I think I'd lost it now. In fact, throughout my lifetime, I think I'd lost a lot of special friends. And this is actually keep bothering me recently.

True friendship is an amazing thing for me. True friendship happened once I put her in special place in my heart. Then I will be more comfortable being together with her. I can feel the special bond between the two of us. My love towards her will grow stronger day by day. Sometime I even think that she is going to be someone I can share my life story with.

True friendship also means companionship. To keep accompany me throughout my good and bad time. She also did it. I can always laugh like crazy or cry my heart out in front of her. I can always share the secret of my life with her, without feeling ashamed.

But now, as time goes on, as we been so far apart, I can feel the love between us seems fading away into the thin air. She can't barely talk to me for an hour anymore, just like we always did before. She seems so cold.

I keep figuring it out myself, did I ever do anything wrong? Did I am the one who made this thing arose? Did I messed everything up?

I don't know. I don't have any idea. All I know is she is now no longer want to be friend with me anymore. The true friendship is gone between us. But maybe I am wrong. Hmm. Who might knows?

Bye all.

p.s. I am lucky enough that I still have my good old days friends with me now. Yes! You all from SMKGR. You guys will always be my truly friendships forever. I promise. Especially to Dya, Diana, Dzul Nyet, Sepiah etc.

p.p.s. I met with Yasmila last holiday, and I feel so happy. She is my best friend from my National Service session.

p.p.p.s. Cik Lynndon also. My best buddy from Pahang Matriculation College. So happy to get connected with her now.

p.p.p.p.s. My Busuk Jesnita also!!! The best roomate ever. Same goes to Cik Semah, missed her like crazy.

I hate.

It's 4.45am now. The clock keep continue ticking. But I still couldn't even close my eyes. It tooks me couple hours to sleep. Ermm. I am confuse.

I don't know how to describe this feeling. I feel it again, after quite sometime I haven't felt it. The loneliness comes again. Lingering in my heart.

Today is the 8th Ramadhan. I only had one chance to berbuka puasa with my family, which was for the 1st day of fasting. Then, the 2nd day I had my breakfasting meals with LOVE. Then, started from the 3rd day of fasting until today, I had my breakfasting meal with only me. No one was there.

Myra, my new roomate always having it with her friends. I don't want to be too pathetic to ask them if I can join them. My other junior coursemate not at the same college block with me. Who else I have left? No body. No one anymore. MAK and ABAH at home. LOVE also at his hometown. Ghul is not here. Lodi is not here. Jojo was gone. Lean also. Semah also is not here. Jesnita also. Hany bany also. Markonah also. I have no one closer anymore.

For the 3rd day of fasting, which was the first day I have to face all this loneliness, I wasn't felt anything. I ate my meal happily. I finished up my Transmile Case Study while having my breakfasting meal. I didn't feel anything. Zero. I was too busy in order to complete my leftover works.

Then, came up the next day. Around 6.30 pm I was gone to the UUM's Bazaar Ramadhan. Alone again. I bought kuew teow goreng kerang, 3 pieces of karipap and orange juice. Then, when I arrived at my room, I felt empty. Another lonely breakfasting. I was cried my heart out while having my meals. I can't even hold it back.

I hate to have this feeling. I hate to be alone. I hate to feel lonely. I hate to make myself to believe that no one is here with me anymore. I hate all these.

Someone is upset with me.

I am a fool.
I am a dumb.
I am too far from being perfect.
Above all, I am totally a mess!!

I am truly, deeply sorry.

It was only 3 hours left. But I already missed her now.

Sms from ADIK:
"Sis, pinjam kete kau jumaat sampai ahad. Aku nak g Penang. Kawan aku kawen. Plzzzz.."

She texted me around 8.30am yesterday. As usual, that was my sleeping time. Never disturbing me until the clock strikes 12noon. Hehe. So, I didn't respond her at all.

Around 7.00pm yesterday. ABAH just got back from golfing. He received a call from ADIK. Abah said,
"Nak pergi Penang dengan saper? Tido maner? Naik aper pergi? Eh...Abah taktau dik. Adik tanye lar die sendiri."

A few minutes later, house's phone rang.
MAK: Hello. Kenapa dik? Ntah lar..Adik dah tanye kat die ker? Die takde pulak cakap aper2 kat mak. Adik call jer lar die. Die ader dalam bilik main games."

Just a seconds after MAK hung up. My handphone rang. T-shirt ringtone. Hehe. ADIK's name was appeared on the screen.

ME: Hello.

ADIK: Jie. Nak pinjam BEN kejap. 2 hari jer. Boleh lar. Plzzz...

ME: Ahhh..Kalo kau pakai BEN, aku nak pakai aper?

ADIK: Alaaa...boleh lar. Aku taktau AA (my big bro) pinjam kete aku. Boleh lar. Aku takde transport nie nak pegi nie. Plzz..Boleh lar. Kejap jer pon.

ME: Boleh, tapi ader 1 syarat. Hehehe..(I gigled)

ADIK: Syarat aper pulak kau nie. Hhhiisshh...Aper?

ME: Aku nak ikut!! Bagi aku yg drive sebab aku tak percaya kau nak drive jauh2 tue.

ADIK: Maner boleh!! Kau bukan ngam pon ng kawan2 aku. Bukan aku yg drive. Wan Korea yang drive nanti. Boleh lar..

ME: Aku bgtau Kaduk!! Kau curang!! Hehe..Aku nak ikut jugak!!

ADIK: Alaaaa...Ramai lar pegi. Iskh die nie!! Kedekut betol!! Cepat lar!! Kredit aku nak abis nie..

ME: Lantak lar!! Tak boleh!!

ADIK: Alaaaa...plzzzz...Aku nak pinjam kejap jer. Boleh lar. Kau da biase sgt pegi Penang. Kau takyah lar ikut. Boleh lar. Esok aku nak balik umah amek BEN. Boleh lar..

ME: Yer lar!!

Around 6.00pm today, ADIK arrived home together with MON (Her girlfriend). To take my BEN away for 3days.

ME: Japgi jangan lupa singgah kedai sparepart kat Bidor tue. Tukar minyak hitam. Tukar bulp lampu depan. Lampu rendah and lampu tinggi. Paham??

ADIK: Banyaknya!!! Yer lar..Iskh..Abis duit aku.

ME: Bukan duit kau pon!!

Hehe..We both always keep quarrel for small tiny thingy. Just for fun. While I read my P/S I love You at the living room, ADIK shouted from my room.

ADIK: Jie!!! Maner baju purple kau tue? Aku takde baju nak g rumah org kawen nnt.

ME: Semua barang aku kau nak pinjam??

ADIK: Ala. Boleh lar Kak Azie... Baju kau semua cantek2. Aku takde baju kurung cantek.

ME: Ader dalam almari baju kurung aku lar. Baju yang maner 1 kau nak "Hantu gigi"? (I always addressed her as Hantu Gigi due to her biggy teeth. Hehe)

ADIK: Yang jarang tue. Yang dengan kain songket tue.

ME: Semua ader dalam almari.

ADIK: Heee..Dah jumpa. Nak pinjam 2 pasang. Yang songket purple dengan songket pink tau. Aku taktau nak pakai maner satu lagi.

I was like..hmmm..nasib baik ader sorang jer adik perempuan...

Then after a few advices from MAK and ABAH, ADIK with MON left with my BEN.

Now, I feel really missed my BEN. She must be missing me too. Can't wait this coming Sunday to see her again. Please arrive home safely BEN.




P/S: Like I cannot live without her. Haha.

P/P/S: Patah kaki I!!!

...

I feel like dying.
And it is for sure the only way I will feel even better.
God, help me.
I am so dying.

RESULT IS OUT??

I just checked my last semester's result.

What I can say about it? Hmmm... Syukur. I got a flying colors result? Naaahhh!!! I only got an "okay" result.

But my "cgpa" decreasing a bit. Maybe because of my PSA paper. So "hampeh"!

But i accept it with all my heart. As mom always said. "Kita akan dapat apa yang kita usaha".

I do happy knowing that all account's subjects are okay. Because I had a very hard and difficult times answering all the papers back to last semester final exam.

After all, syukur. Alhamdulillah....

BIRTHDAY EXPECTATIONS

I don't know how to begin this. I am thinking if am I too demanding to write all my wish lists and expectations. Or I am just a bad girl who doesn't know how to appreciate everything and at the same time wanting more and more.

Every year, whenever my birthday coming up, I start to feel really anxious. I just cannot help it, the truth is I will always get anxious. The worst part is I will get stress out about anything regarding my coming birthday when actually nothing will happen at all. I always put high expectations of how my day is suppose to go. Or maybe how amazing it will be on my birthday. The main point is I must say that my birthday is a day with a great anxiety and stress.

When the day has comes, nothing will happen. Maybe some of my expectations might be fulfill. And the most of it do not happen at all. Not even happen with how I expect it to be. I had been experienced this kind of feelings throughout the years. The birthday expectations' lists are always letting me down. It always frustrating me.

This situation repeatedly happened this year, on my 23rd birthday. None of my hopes are actually happen today. None of it. Now, I started to think, maybe I should stop dreaming. Maybe I should just giving up all to the fate. Maybe I should not expect too much. Maybe I should find another way to makes me happy. Maybe I should communicate all of these stupid feelings to someone, somewhere.

There are many thing expected by a girl like me on our birthday. Yes, I admit, birthday is one of the day with too much expectations. Even though deep inside my heart forcing me to stop expecting and dreaming. I just cannot do that. For me, the most important is I just want my big day to be appreciated. With so much hype and not just let it over with nothing to be remember. I want my day to be the greatest day ever. I want my day to be a day which can bring an endless smiles on my face. I want my day to be something that I can proudly tell to all of my good friends. I want to show off to the whole world. Yes, so what? I don't think it is a crime for me to show off about my own birthday rite. Furthermore, it is my day. My own day.

I don't really fancy the idea of having a very big, grand and marvelous party that definitely needs a lot of money to be spend on it. I just need something really sweet which I can see the efforts on it. I just need something that can show me the love. I want to feel the love. I want to feel the excitement. I want to feel the attention. I just want it all.

As for LOVE, I am dying hoping a little bit efforts from him. I don't really expect for him to ride a white horse and picking me out to the fairy tales world. It is too ridiculous for me to expect that much. I always hope that I can spend my birthday with him. Only him. I want him to surprise me with something that can turned me out into tears. I want to treat me like I am the princess of the day. I want to be loved. I want to feel that I am loved. Is it fair for me to expect these from him?

I feel really lucky if he can remembers my birthday. And of course I will be super lucky if he gives me a card. I prefer something to keep even though it is just a simple plain card. It is more than enough for me. I don't say that I hate wishes. I just think that wishes is something I can't really keep. Something I can't remember. After all wishes are intangible rite? cannot be seen.

Apart from all of these, there is something that makes me smile every year. The love from my precious beloved family. They are never forget my big day. Especially MAK. She will put so much efforts to makes me happy on my big day. She will stay up late at night just to wish me a "Happy Birthday". It is not easy for older person like her to stay up too late at night. She will make a small family party to celebrate my birthday. She will cooks all of my favorite foods. She will cuddles me. She will never tired to keep telling about my childhood days stories to all of my family. Yes, I am really lucky.

Also, I want to thank to all of my friends. They are never forget to wish me even though I realized that I am kind of bad friend who can't even remember all of my friends' birthday. Maybe I should write down all of their days on one book. A book that can remind me not to forget to wish on their days. I don't think that save it an the hand phone is a good idea. I tried it before but seems it doesn't work. Since I just like to change my hp frequently.

I would like to finish this post with thank to everyone. Thank you for all the wishes. Thank you very much for the thoughts. Thank you very very much for the loves.

P/S: Sorry for all the grammatical errors. I just not feeling good now.

CAN I?

I am just thinking.
Can I really manage to get my old body figure??
Can I really control my appetite?
Can I really control my bad habit of eating and eating and eating?
Can I get rid of my non-stop eating habit?
Can I discipline myself for not taking all the non-healthy food?
Can I???



I want to be just like my old good days.
Wear everything I wanna wear.
Without even bother about my tummy, arms, legs.
I just can get my self with an up-to-date fashion.



I want my "S-size" body back!!!!

Yes people.
It is too annoying to look at my "syok-sendiri" pictures?
I took these pictures using my 1st lappy.
Internal webcam.
So, obviously I was just "syok-sendiri".
Smiled to the lappy screen.
There are still a lot of pictures in my lappy.
Better not for me to upload all of it here.
For some good reason.
(risau u guys muntah darah lak kan..)

P/S: Abaikan environment belakang tue.
My roomate's place.
Buruks kan hostel UUM.
Shhhh...

THE LATEST ME..

Here I put some photos of mine.
I took these photos yesterday.
Requested by LOVE.
He wanted to see the latest me,
since we haven't meet for almost a month.
I am just too busy preparing for my final exam.




After I took all of these photos,
only then I realized that my skin color is getting darker.
The black circle around my eyes. Sucks!!!
My hair? Sucks!!
My body figure???
Not gonna talk about my body here.
Seriously. I hate to see myself now.
I ate everything.
I took so many junk foods while I am studying.
My stomach seem "bocor".
(Nak makaaaaannnn jer..)






Well, yeah.
I should blame myself.
I am just too busying and focusing most of my time for my final exam.
Till I forget to take care of myself.






I wanna says sorry.
In fact, very sorry.
To my face.
To my hair.
To my skin.
To my body.
To LOVE.
To MAK n ABAH.
To MYSELF!




I promise.
After I finish all my papers,
I will take a very good care of myself.

But, after all I realize.
I must not really blaming myself.
I am studying. It is for my bright future.
I have to catch up everything.
I have to maintain my pointer.
I only have 2 semesters to go.
My study is not a waste!
Hehe...

AM I A MEAN PERSON?

I keep asking myself, am I really a mean person? Why can't I have more soft, lovely and kind heart like others? Why I am so different from others? Do I have an evil heart? Why everybody around me says that I have no heart? Why they accused me as a mean and very bad person indeed?

I am seriously not like what other people might think. I means I do have a heart. I do have a sentimental feelings with me. I know how to love people. In fact I do have person I loved the most. I know how to feel sorry to others. I know how to cry. I do have a very sensitive heart.

Just know, my friend dropped by my room and told me about the accident she had just a minute before. She hit a cat with her car. While she reverse the car at the parking lot. She didn't really noticed that there was a cat just behind her car. She hit the cat. The cat's leg was broke. She did cried a lot.

I don't know why I felt that was funny to listen that she did cried like a baby seeing the cat mourning with so much pain. It is really not my intention to be mean to laugh at the cat. In fact I do feels sorry for her. I just laugh to see her face with the tears. I am not laugh to that pity cat!

I admit I am not really like animals. I don't like to have a pets. I don't like the stinks made by the pets. More specific is cats. I don't like the smelly environment. Definitely come from the cats productions (shit). I don't like seeing the fur all over the place. I don't like seeing a damage at the furniture in my house. I just don't like it!

It is not like I am hating pets. I just don't really like to have it around.

Back to the topic, I told LOVE about the incident. I just giggles a bit. And he scolded me back. He said it is bad to laugh at something like that. The cat is the best friend of Rasulullah.

Suddenly, I can felt my tears running down my face. I am starting to think. Am I really a mean person. I don't like pets. Why? I just can't help it. I am really not a heartless person. Please don't accused me with something like that.

I just can't change it. I can't change my behavior to something really uncommon. I really can't lie to my own self.

Touching some other bases, I must say that there are some reasons of having a pet. I think the most important is to get rid of loneliness. Instead of that, I can't deny that some people keep pets for fun.

With having a pets, it can teaches us how to play, look after them, while at the same time aiding tolerance and understanding of each other. Lonely people are fond of keeping pets because it helps them with raising their mood, when they are in low spirits, not to feel so extremely lonely.

I can says all of these because my other siblings do own a pet or more specific is they have a lot of cats at their house. I think I am the only member of my family that don't really like to own a pets. Sometimes I feel calm seeing they playing with their own cat. Just sometimes. Most of the time I just think all the cats are so annoying.

And now, I don't know why I can't stop myself from crying again and again. I am still in tears while I am writing this entry. Why? Please. I beg everybody out there. Please don't judge me from just a one angle. I am really not a mean person. I have a heart. It is not my requests to be like this. I was born with this attitude. I was born as who I am now. I am really myself. I can't turn out to something nice-decent girl. This is me! So what?!

LOVE AND LOST

I don't have any strong reason why I make this post.
Maybe because of my last nite dream.

It was my very first time going to Sunway Lagoon.
Pity me. My family especially my ABAH are not going-out-having-fun type of person.
My MAK is in the contra side. She loves to go out ang having so fun with us .
But now I am gonna talk about me and LOVE went to Sunway Lagoon. Yes LOVE. This is very back-dated post .

Frankly said it was our very first time going to Sunway Lagoon .
And I can say that we had so much fun together .
We paid for water park and amusement park only since it was already late when we reached out there.




We tried on almost all the games.
In fact, I won the "sliding" games (I can't remember the games name ) three times.
Even though LOVE was cheating.
But still I am the winner.

Despite having fun which will be the lovely cherished moments of us,
there is also a sadness thing happened that day.
I lost my lovely pink "Exilim EX-Z80 Casio" digital camera.

Owh..No...No...
Not lost but we dropped it in the water.
Well, yes.
It is not a water-proof camera.
As we know, only Olympus produced the water-proof digital camera, so far.

We took it immadiately to some photo store at Sunway Pyramid.
I felt like crying when I heard the Chinese guy at the store said that it just a waste if we send it for repair .
He suggest us to buy a new one instead.

LOVE a bit down since he thought that it was his fault to dropped it in the water.
I don't blame him after all. I just keep bear in mind that it is not my "rezeki".
Maybe next time "jumpe duit terpijak". Then only I can buy a new one .


Here I put some photos of LOVE, my unpaid model.
Sorry, I didn't take many photos of mine since I feel a bit ashamed when I look at my "buroks+gemoks" body in the picture.



Yes all. He did the sprayed tattoo at Sunway Lagoon.